The problem of a certain German swordsman
by Blood123X
Summary: Siegfried and the gang are finally resting in Sophitia place when he receives a letter from a certain someone Harem and Humor ensue!
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Soul Calibur ,their characters, and Star Wars.

**Seriously I don't!!**

**The problem of a certain German Swordsman**

(The Soul Calibur characters are in Sophitia mansion celebrating the defeat of Nightmare and a certain movie villain that created an empire of nerds wearing Jedi costume.)

"Hey Talim, do I look manly with this new short hair ?" ask the main pretty boy of Soul Calibur and number one man-whore of the fan girls ,(and rank first in the blonde section) Siegfried the legendary knight.

"Well just a little bit" replied Talim the short wind-addicted priestess ( "I am not short!!") ,whose busy playing with Sophitia children.

Just then a knock came from the porch.

"I'll get it" replied the Greek girl, Cassandra the groups second favorite blond (first on the rank is Siegfried much on her dismay) who got up from the couch "Hey blondie a letter for you" she wave the letter while pointing at Siegfried

"Umm Cassandra you know your blond too… right?"

"Whatever" Cassandra hand him the letter and sit next to her sister Sophitia (third rank blondie and married to Rothion).

"So what's in the letter Sophitia?" ask the wasted samurai Mitsurugi who came out from the courtyard with the cyborg/samurai (what the hell is he!!) Yoshimitsu (since they drank a crapload of wine)

"Hmm let see… wait…. I am Siegfried dumbass!!" Siegfried was now fuming with anger at Missouri (He always hated to be mistaken as a girl)

"Sure you sexy blonde, I swear if Rothion was dead I would seriously rock your world!! Ohh!!"

"It's going to be a threesome" Yoshimitsu added "dibs on the top!!"

"Okay… that was creepy, anyway" Siegfried start reading the letter but he instantly fainted into the floor face first.

"Oh my God Siegfried!!" scream our big chested (that rivals Ivy) ninja, Taki who appeared out of nowhere (cough, cough, damn ninja and their smoke bomb) and rush to Siegfried aid, trying mouth to mouth resuscitation.

"Okay…. let me see that letter" Kilik (the guy with the long stick and members of the 3 stooges along with Maxi and Xianghua) stood up on the back porch so he could have an excuse to get away from Xianghua (the girl with a attitude of a 10 year old) constant flirting "let see"

'Don't leave me!! I just want to see your rod , um err you know the Kali Yuga" Xianghua pleaded with an innocent look on her face.

_**Dear HOT STUD:**_

_How long has it been? The last time I saw you, we were a girly 12 years old. I found out that you staying in Greece with those bitchy sisters. I hope you don't have any girlfriend ,because __**I'll castrate you with a rusty knife **__and your also arrange to be wed to me. __Wolfkrone_ _is doing great after the war. The city is almost complete and the gel supply start overflowing again _(you could hear Maxi screaming SWEET!!). _I could imagine right now that you are more handsome that the last time I saw your girly version. Oh how I love bishonen guys!! Here is an invitation for a feast in my mansion, feel free to invite your friends (except those slutty sisters) _

_**P.S. No Girlfriend**_

_**From you Future wife Hilde**_

"I am not girly !! right guys?" shout Siegfried who instantly regain consciousness after Taki revival technique (which involves using her tongue rather than actually putting air on his mouth).

Silence crept in the room.

"You guys are the reason I go to therapy you know." Siegfried started sulking.

" That Hilde is an ass" scream Cassandra who has a history of anger towards the redhead "freaking mole face bitch"

"Hilde Daaammmnnn…." reply our favorite offspring of Elvis/Bruce Lee, Maxi (while gelling his hair ) "Ah right!!….looks like Siegfried is going to get laid, finally!! "

"So Siegfried has a arrange wedding for the future Queen of Wolfkrone, that really impressive" Kilik was impress at Siegfried ,but he kept moving from one place to another, making sure his rod is kept in place (wait is that some sort of innuendo?) since Xianghua started following him "Dammit Xianghua why won't you leave me for some alone time"

"Cause I think you're amazing, hot, has a very long rod that most warriors wants to acquire and has a scar on the….." Xianghua was instantly stop by Kilik.

"You promise never to tell that to anyone and beside Siegfried has a scar, why won't you

go out with him" Kilik pleaded

"His sword is too wide" Xianghua answered innocently (seriously this got to be some sort of innuendo).

"So Siegfried what's the meaning of this" ask the other long rod user Mina (and personal babysitter of YunSeong) while wiping all the white creamy…. ……..

sweet ice cream in her mouth (perverts).

"I never knew this day would come ,but as you can see Hilde is supposed to be my future wife , but I really don't want to get married to her since that tragic event"

(friendly neighborhood Lizardman with all his glory holds a Flashback sign)

"Ohh a flashback!, give me some popcorn Maxi?" ask Talim

"Not before you praise my super awesome hair"

"Okay….."

**Scene Change to a 12 year old Siegfried and Hilde talking in a lavish party.**

"Hi my name is Hilde" said the cute redhead girl.

"Umm hi my name is Siegfried and I my feminine looks is waaayyyy better than you" said the shy boy.

**Back to the group**

"I never said that!!" scream Siegfried while fighting with Mitsurugi for the last Pocky.

"Shhh quiet" the gang scream.

**Flashback**

"Are you a girl" ask Hilde

"Sometime I ask that question to myself…….., but no I am not a girl, it just that my mom does not want to cut my hair" replied the 12 year old Siegfried.

Hilde started staring to his eyes

"Umm is something wrong Hilde" Siegfried ask

_Hilde in her mind ("thank god I am not a lesbian because he really looks like a girl")_

"I can't believe you're the one I am supposed to marry" Hilde very excited "you're kinda cute in a feminine way. _("crap did I just thought of that!!")"_

"What do you mean married! wait I am not feminine!!" Siegfried scream in surprise.

"You never heard?" ask Hilde "Our parents agreed for an arrange wedding to carry the rest of our bloodline"

_Siegfried Mind_

_How come my parents didn't tell any of this! I don't really want to marry because of that horrific tragedy._

**Back to the gang**

"What the "tragedy" you keep saying Siegfried?" ask Taki.

"Some things must never be seen by mortals eyes" Siegfried start to have Goosebumps.

**Flashback**

"Hilde I am sorry but I really do not want to get married"

"Why not?" ask Hilde (with a puppy eye look included) "I think were perfect to each other"

"Err because of that faithful day" Siegfried who started sweating ,began to wander into his thoughts.

Voldo the kinky weird guy kick Lizardman and started to hold a new flashback sign

(You could see a 10 year old Siegfried running towards his parent's room.)

"Hey mom and dad!! look at this cool wooden sword I made" said the blond little boy

Unfortunately when Siegfried opens the door, he saw something that will scar him for life ,because his parents were doing the French dip smothered in tartar sauce.

"what?" ask the gang

"You know the Hippity-Dippity, the Bang chica-chica wang wang, ring a bell anyone"

"Huh?"

"Ohh for Pete sake!! they were having inter….. you guys are old enough to know dumbasses"

"ooohhh" said the group

"what a French dip Mina?" ask the fiery red headed Yunseong

"Go ask Mitsurugi" replied Mina

**Flashback:**

"Oohh Frederick you just gain 10 hit point by thrusting your Zweihander into my breast plate" scream Margaret, Siegfried mom.

"Sure baby, I'll also input my horizontal and a vertical combo, which I will pass the technique to my son" said Frederick, Siegfried dad. "get ready to parry this hot mama!!"

"**By the power of ****Greyskull, My eyes they BURN!! AAAAAHHHH**" Siegfried scream so loud that the neighbors were kept all night.

**Back to the souls**

"That is so nasty, Rothion take note!!" Sophitia scream while trying to cover her children eyes including Talim.

"This is hot, I could use this technique, hmmm" Ivy the group dominatrix, came out from the bathroom just in time to see the horrific flashback scene.

**Back to the Futur.….I mean flashback**

After that "tragedy" his parents try to set things straight.

"What are we going to do?" ask Margaret "seeing us doing the French dip is not right for Siegfried age"

"I'll handle this" Frederick started to go to Siegfried room.

"Well you better fix this, I do not want my girly son to go insane and turn to a murderous maniac, killing and terrorizing Europe when he grows up".

Frederick entered Siegfried room and was surprise to see the poor boy huddling in the corner chanting something like "this is a nightmare, this is a nightmare, this is a nightmare".

**Back to the group**

"At least we know were Siegfried pet name came from" said Ivy

"Agreed" said the soul group.

"Make it stop!!" scream Siegfried (which is right now force to watch the scene, because the group tied him in a chair)

**Back to Flashback**

Frederick suddenly pick two sword and started his lesson plan " Siegfried when a men and a women love each other in the way you cannot comprehend, they do "things" that you should not see in a young age but since you did ,maybe it's time I teach you about the "birds and the bees""(or in Cervantes word "the seamen and the poopdeck") Frederick began to put the 2 sword together.

(This event is traumatizing to Siegfried and to the readers out there that I decline to explain the juicy part, but instead I'll put it into fragment)

"Kama Sutra bleep bleep make sure your in the top bleep bleep watch where you aim (Frederick is holding a bow and arrow as an example) bleep bleep in the wall bleep bleep in the kitchen table bleep bleep could not bend for a week bla bla bla"

"even in my room!!" scream Siegfried

"yep your mom is pretty wild" Frederick answered.

"this is a nightmare, this is a nightmare, this is ……" Siegfried stared his chant again

**Back to the present**

"So that's why when Siegfried was Nightmare he never rape any women during his pillaging" Ivy staring at Siegfried "interesting"

"So that's the reason a cute guy like Siegfried never had any fiancé" Taki motion "huh"

The whole group stared at her

"What? you girls have to admit Siegfried looks like one of those guys in the romance novel that Mina reads" Taki replied trying to defend herself ,but a slight blush formed around her cheek.

"I agree with Taki except for Siegfried "the world hate me attitude"" replied Mina

"But if Siegfried is afraid of having a relationship with a women, does that mean he's a queer" Cassandra interrupted.

Then the whole group stared at Siegfried

"Guys I'm not gay alright, I'm straight and I like women preferably the mature ones like Taki or Setsuka, I'm just afraid of having a commitment, seeing that I'm still young and has a huge desire to explore the world" Siegfried stated "and beside I just got freed from Nightmare's grip."

"Translation: Siegfried is too traumatized to have a normal relationship with someone, Why are the good one always have problems!!" Setsuka the Japanese-British replied, who finally appeared out of her hiding place, waiting for the right moment for Mitsurugi to let his guard down for a chance to kill him.

"Crap she back" Mitsurugi shivered in fear "Yoshimitsu unite!!"

"I got you back bro" Yoshimitsu form a barrier between him and Setsuka. "You shall not pass!!" while he slam his blade at the ground.

"Noooo!! I am not afraid Setsuka , but whenever I tried to have a relationship with someone, that tragedy start's to hunt my mind" Siegfried defended himself " so leave me alone, this is not anyone business"

"Oooh temper" said Yun-Seong while reading Mina novel "In any case are you going to the invitation?"

"I don't know….. maybe?" said the blond man

"Siegfried you should go to Wolfkrone since they have the best hair gel around Europe" Maxi replied "and beside there is tons of chicks to flirt around in the city".

"So It settled everyone!! tomorrow we are going to Wolfkrone" shouted Talim who is very cheerful at this moment.

"Hey, Wait!! guys do I have any say to this?" ask Siegfried.

"NO" the whole group responded.

"Is this my punishment for being Nightmare" scream Siegfried.

**Will we learn where Kilik scars is?**

**IS Siegfried going to get laid? **

**And where does Maxi get all those hair gels?**

**Is Astaroth going to appear in the next chapter? "WORMS!!"**

**Tune in for next chapter**

**That's it review please**

Planning to make this a harem

Please vote which girls in the Soul Calibur Universe (Yes even those shop girls in SCIII)

to have the first scene with Siegfried Thanks!! (It will start on the third chapter)

Girls that are restricted are Sophitia (since she is married) and Xianghua (obsession with Kilik's "rod")


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own SOUL CALIBUR or Siegfried hair

"Am I in a church" Siegfried was surprise on the surrounding. "and why do I wear a tuxedo?!"

"Oh Siegfried" said the girls.

"what the!?" all the Soul Calibur girls were wearing wedding dresses "lets get married!"

"Aaaahhhhh"

Siegfried finally awoke from his bad dream ,but he smack his face into the ground.

"Damn, my beautiful, well toned girly face ( did I just said that?) I mean my manly face, yeah that what I meant" Siegfried started packing up for the trip unbeknown on the horror his about to experience.

"Are all of you guys done packing , Are all of you guys done packing ?" exclaimed Talim for the fiftieth time.

"Yeah shorty, you don't have to say it again and again and again" reply Mitsurugi who started packing his stuff along with other things (mainly alcohol).

Back to Siegfried room:

"So Siegfried, you ready to meet your future wife Hilde?" ask Maxi

"Leave me alone Maxi"

"Well at least if you don't marry her, there are still some fine ladies at Wolfkrone"

"Hmm... Your probably right Maxi"

At Sophithia room:

"Ready to go sis?" ask Cassandra

"Were almost ready" reply Sophitia "Rothion do not forget the "stuff" for our trip"

"Are you going to bring your kinky stuff to the trip?" ask Cassandra

"Maybe" Sophitia starts to make an innocent face.

"So Cassandra, I kinda read your diary, and I found some interesting stuff in there"

"I swear to God sis, it was college and I was wasted, and what I did to Angol Fear was a one time event" Cassandra start to blush and sweat, remembering that wild party where she got drunk and had "fun" with Angol.

Rothin had a nose bleed on the current conversation, but was smack instantly by Sophithia shield. "Damn perverted husband!"

"Not that part Cassandra, the one where you try to convey your feeling to a certain blondie" said Sophitia

"Eewww sis, I don't swing on that freaky incest stuff, that's for the fan service section" proclaimed Cassandra.

" I swear to Hespateus, you are an Idiot" said a surprise Sophithia "I meant the other blonde!!"

"Ooohh sorry sis" Cassandra started to blush "wait a second… why are you reading my diary?"

"Because I'm worried about you and I need to find stuff for blackmail" Sophithia led a sigh "So when are your going to reveal your true feeling to him?"

"I'm not sure yet… because he tend to be an jerk and distant to everyone, even though his nice at heart"

Sophithia smiled.

"That why I fell in love with him once Cassandra" Sophithia touch Cassandra shoulder "if I wasn't married right now, I would seriously rock his world!"

"Umm what?" ask Cassandra.

"Just joking sis, I know someday that he will become your knight, but if I were you, I'd better hurry to snatch him, since you have some competition" said Sophithia.

"Yeah your right sis, thanks" Cassandra started to smile "AND DON'T YOU EVER READ MY DIARY AGAIN!!"

Sophithia started to laugh.

So finally the group started their journey to Wolfkrone, well except that the boys have to carry girls luggage.

"WHAT THE HELL! Why do we have to carry the girls stuffs?" shouted Siegfried.

"Because my dear friend" reply Yoshimitsu "If we don't Ivy gonna stick that sword up into our asses"

You could see Ivy smile devilishly to the boys, while making a piercing action with her sword. "You boys want to see the penetrator?"

"Scary" said Siegfried

"Amen to that brother" add Yoshimitsu.

At the other part of the group

"I'm sooooooooooooooooo tired, are we there yet?" complain Yunsung

"No" reply Mina

"are we close"

"no"

"are you sure"

"Yes Yunsung and if you don't shut up, I'm the one who is gonna stick this spear into your ass " scream Mina.

"Not my well tone ass!" said Yunsung

The whole group started to complain that they are tired (well… actually it was the boys who complain about it, especially Yunsung)

"Hey guys look, a hotel spring close to that hill" Cassandra pointed

Immediately all the guys sprint in the hotel, singing Alleluia and kissing the ground, like they were rescued from watching a chick flick.

"Salvation is ours!" cried Yoshimitsu throwing one of the girl's luggage.

Unfortunate It went into a mud,

And it open,

And various lingerie was scattered,

And it was Ivy stuff,

And all the guys started to have nosebleed,

"I am freaking screwed am I?" ask Yoshimitsu

"Yup bro" said Mitsurugi "your going to lose your virginity on this day"

"Yoshimitsu your ass is mine!" shouted Ivy

Everyone watch in horror, as what Ivy did to Yoshimitsu, that the writer just vomit from the sight, and it made all the guys scream in terror (especially Siegfried who stared his mantra "this is a nightmare, this is a nightmare….").

"AAAAHHH Kami my ASSSSS!!" cried Yoshimitsu.

"Never knew Yoshimitsu voice is tenor" said Taki.

Mitsurugi rushed to his ailing friend

"Yoshimitsu speak to me ol buddy!!" Mitsurugi started to pick his traumatized friend.

"Mitsurugi if I die today, you can have my porn collection" said Yoshimitsu in a weak voice.

"Really" ask Mitsurugi

"Yes but the star of the video is…….. Me"

"NOOOOOOOO" said Mitsurugi "So wanna go drink some booze?"

"Hell yeah" Yoshimitsu started to stand, but he needs to be supported by Mitsurugi "I'm going to need a lot of beers for this one".

While the two are getting drunk, the rest of the group are signing up for the hotel.

"So you mean there is one spring left for use?" ask Xianghua

"I apologize miss but were kind of book today" replied the caretaker.

"All right were going co-ed!" said Maxi

"In your dreams Maxi but I wouldn't mind for Kilik to join me" said Xianghua while staring at Kilik rod

"Woman, stay away from my rod!!" said Kilik with his arms in defense position.

"Fine" said Ivy "We girls go first, ANY objections" Ivy started to pull out her penetrator (her sword perverts).

The sight send chill to the boys and they remain quiet.

"Oh yeah, if I caught any of you guys peeking in the spring, then they will feel the same wrath that Yoshimitsu experience" warn Ivy.

The boys just nod and promise not to peek (yeah right Maxi)

(Lizardman holding the Spring Scene sign)

"This feel nice" said Cassandra "I never been in a hot spring before"

"I know and it's very relaxing" said Setsuka

"Sigh" said Talim

"What wrong Talim?" ask Taki

"I'm so jealous at you girls, because you have the breast size and the sexy body" Talim pout "and I don't have any of them, I bet the guys never notice me, especially "him"."

"Don't worry Talim" said Taki trying to comfort here "eventually you'll grow up and turn into a fine lady"

"Really" Talim start to smile

"Of course"

"Umm Taki do you have a boyfriend yet?" ask Mina

"Me, not really"

"Why not , I've heard the fan boys adore you"

"Mina is not that simple you know"

"But you do have a crush on someone"

Taki started to blush "Probably"

"Who is it"

"Si……. never mind"

"Who again"

"I tell you later Mina, alright"

"Hey girls you want to compare breast size?" ask Ivy

(somewhere in the world right now, a fan boy is touching himself)

"Okay" replied the girls

In the bushes are the Three stooges (Maxi, Kilik, Yunsung)

"Stop that Ivy, Hey don't touch me there, stop it tickles. oh my Setsuka you are really developed, Cassandra aahhh" where all the sound the boys are hearing right now.

"This is nice stuff, we should have been there" said Maxi "girl on girl action"

"Maxi are you sure we should be doing this" ask Yunsung "I mean we are literally risking our asses for this."

"Yes my dear friend, my ass is worth the sacrifice, now shut up, this is good stuff" replied Maxi.

"Man, look at Taki body, she even sexier when she is all wet" said Kilik

"Are you kidding?" said Maxi "to me, Ivy is clearly the sexiest"

"I thought you like Xianghua, Kilik?" ask Yunsung

"No way, because she always wants to grab my rod".

"Hey guys what are you doing?" ask Siegfried

"where peeping, wanna join us?" ask Maxi

"You know Ivy is going to punish you guys, if she caught you."

"Who going to tell?"

"Me"

"Are you serious Siegfried?" ask Kilik

"Yes I am, now leave"

"Sometimes I think you gay Siegfried" said Maxi

"I am not" Siegfried reply back " I was raise by my parents to respect girls, not that I could say the same to you"

"Damn Chivalry" said Maxi "Fine were leaving Sheesh"

After the guys walk in the Hallway, Maxi thought of a ingenious idea.

"Hey guys since Siegfried ruin our fun, let's get back at him" said Maxi

"What do you want us to do?" said Kilik

Whisper Whisper Whisper

Siegfried was suppose to go to the bar, when the Three Stooges grab him.

"Hey, what the hell are you guys doing!" shouted Siegfried

"Just getting back at you" said Maxi

The girls where having a wonderful time when they hear someone screaming.

"Was that Siegfried?" ask Setsuka

"I think it him" said Cassandra

"NOOO! please I don't want to suffer Ivy wrath" pleaded Siegfried

"Sorry Siegfried you brought this up to yourself" said Kilik

All you could see is a half naked German warrior, flying to the girls spring

"AAAAHHH the water is too hot!!"

The stooges quickly escapes

"I can't wait what horrors those girls are going to do to him" said Maxi

The Stooges starts laughing

(Lizardman fighting with Charade on who holds the Spring Scene sign.)

"Girls I can Explain" said Siegfried who quickly cover his eyes.

The girls didn't answer all they have is a mixture of anger and disbelief in there face but soon realized there favorite blond is alone with them.

"It was Maxi fault, I swear" claimed Siegfried but the girls did not answer but started to approach him.

Siegrfried took a peek and saw the girls are getting close to him, with a realization that that they were naked, which also result in a massive nosebleed.

"Oh god, my hormones are out of control, what should I do?" cried Siegfried and realize something is growing in the lower part of his body.

"Oh Siegfried" called Ivy.

"Okay my well toned ass, It's been nice having you" Siegfried sigh, this is not his day.

What will Siegfried do?

Will he face Ivy wrath or receive something else? (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

Will Astaroth finally make an appearance? **STOP SQUIRMING**

Until next time

**Review Please**


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own SOUL CALIBUR or any other reference**

**Hi!! DoubleSoul here I took my friend's account since she had given up on fan fiction but she wants me to continue the story.**

**Note (any girl can now be in the harem with no restriction bwahaha!)**

**Also Lizardman is my partner in the story isn't that right Lizardman**

………………**.Hiss**

Meanwhile our main hero is in peril,

Siegfried starts to cry."O god please, it was an accident!!!"

Ivy smiled while grabbing her whips. "No can do Siegfried, you peek at us, so as a punishment I'll be your dominatrix for today!"

"Anything but that, please I'm sorry, sorry!!!"

"C'mon Ivy Siegfried probably went to the wrong area" Taki pleaded,

"I bet he was just curios." reply Sophitia

"Isn't Rothion here?" ask Talim

"Kratos kick his ass because he was wearing his Helios costume, I swear he won't recover for a week!!"

"Dare I might ask why he is wearing his Helios costume?"

"We like to role-play simple as that."

Talim starts to hide in Taki back due to being creep out.

Maxi starts to scowl. "Why would anyone refuse S and M with Ivy, I mean heck I be her slave for life if I had a chance." At that comment Kilik and Yunsung went wide eyed.

"Have you notice Maxi get creepier there more I get to know him?" Yunsung ask.

"You have no idea." Kilik start to look down depresses since Maxi like to talk about his secret fetishes to him.

"Please those idiots threw me in here, I never meant to peek I swear!!!" Siegfried starts to move back slowy trying to see if he could escape,

Yunsung started screaming from the other side if the wooden barrier of the hotspring "No he just curios."

"Really Siegfried, I never know you'll be that kind of man," Ivy cracks her whip "Let's get started then."

"Cmon Ivy just let him go." Taki then to proceed to block Ivy way,

"You seem pretty defensive in him, I wonder dear? don't like to share?"

Taki starts to blush and cover her hands to her face, " I..I... never meant like that!!!"

"Aww she so cute when she does that," the rest start to stare at Sophitia except Siegfried who is still sweating for the dangers that will befall him.

(Insert power ranger music courtesy of Lizardman)

"KAW-KAW" a huge birdlike man figure swoop down and proceed to grab Siegfried into safety.

"WTF" scream everyone, except Cassandra who tried to cover Talim's ear.

"What the hell!!! Am I flying and who the hell are you!" scream Siegfried.

"In due time my grandson in due time." The mystery figure proceeds to bring Siegfried to safety from Ivy's kinkiness.

(Scene change)

"Amy are you sure you know how to get to Wolfkrone." Ask the French or Spanish (Lizardman holding a sign saying "don't forget British or maybe Italian! ", "seriously what country does he belong to I mean"…….. Lizardman put the writer to sleep with a blowdart) swordsman.

"Father I told you again and again that I know the way nya." Amy with her cute cat emo goth look proceed to check the map. "I wonder if it is the other way were we killed those bandit nya."

(Raphael thoughts)

" O my god! She sooo cute, as a vampiric father I'll protect her chastity until I found a suitable man for her!!"

"Father your giving me that O my god she's so cute look again, you know how I hate when you do that and also stop sucking blood from others, you're not a vampire!!"

"Amy, Amy, Amy, I just proud of being your vampiric creepy father who sucks the blood and soul of men."

"and stop reading Twilight aloud, you know I am not interested in team Edward or Jacob"

"Surely you like Edward right, I mean he's really dreamy and that abs wishs I had that kind."

"Father you're starting to creep me out again."

"Anyway why do you want to go to Wolfkrone?."

"I heard from that psychopath Tira that there are strong souls there and cough! cough! siegcough! fricough!"

"What?"

"Nothing father."

(Raphael thoughts)

"This is weird, why is she behaving erratically the more we get closer to Wolfkrone? Well she is growing up and she had been complaining….. Oh my god! It might be that…. No no no I have no knowledge in this, I need a women's advice for this kind of situation." (10 whips if you can get it)

(Back to the creepy owl man)

"Stop screaming boy!!!"

"No!!! Please your probably a crazy cosplaying fan who been hired to kidnap me!!!" Siegfried cower in the corner as the "owl man" approach him.

"No you fool I am here to help you in your "problem"."

"So you're not here to kidnap me and convert me to like yaoi."

"Who would do something horrible like that?"

Talim sneezes (yes my fellow readers in all her cute and innocent persona, Talim is a diehard yaoi fan.)

(Lizardman holds Flashback sign)

"Where the hell am I" Siegfried was shock that he was tied up in the chair in a dark room with a magical mirror in front. (and no they don't have TIVO)

"Hello Siegfried."

"Talim! What is going on here? You're not here to kill me right?"

"No I just here to covert you to the forbidden."

"Forbidden?"

"Just watch."

"Two sticks in a cup? What kind of viral video is this."

"Keep watching." Talim starts to have an evil smile.

"Well they really friendly with each other maybe their best frie….. what the hell….. what the hell…… **WTF oh my god that's disgusting!!!!!"**

"I know right but it's turning me on."

"What kind of sick twisted mind are you… Did he just do that with that coffe maker!!!"

"He just did."

(Vomiting) "Talim please let me go, even if I close my eyes the image burn's in my memory please!!!"

"Not until you say you like yaoi!!"

"Never!!!"

"Say it!!" Talim holds a recorder

"You can't make me!!!"

"Then we'll be here for the next 15 minutes then."

"NOOOOOO!!!!"

(Lizardman hiss Present)

"Another trauma huh."

"This is a nightmare, this is a nightmare, nightmare." Siegfried in fetal position reciting his mantra ("I feel bad for him" hiss lizardman)

"What a sec." Siegfried returns to his senses "Who are you?"

"Kid my name is Olcadan I'm your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great."

(Lizardman holding a sign says 30 minutes)

"Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great."

(again lizardman holding a sign says 2 hour)

"great, great, great great, great, great,."

(Lizardman died and a new lizardman replace him)

(Take of his owl helmet) "Grandpa Olcadan." (strikes a superhero pose)

"Grandpa Olcadan, how the hell you get to live this long?"

(Drum sound) "Viagra!"

(Silent)

"Okay awkward, why did you help me?"

"To protect your virginity my boy until you found your true love."

"Lame, wait…… why do you have to protect my virginity?"

"Siegfried our families where a generation curse to become manwhores, were such manwhores that women hunts us down and rape us until we are dead, as the elders in our clan, I (with power of immortality due the author's power) vow to protect my descendant to that kind of fate, or any Japanese guys who out of nowhere gains a harem throughout their school even though at the end he pick the short blonde hair girl, instead of the long haired glasses wearing beauty, shit man I was pissed when I read the ending, I mean the black haired girls was destined for him but that asshole pick that blonde bitch arrgggg I was so infuriated that I stop reading manga for a week!!!"

"Umm okay I don't get the manga reference ("It's Ichi………cent" Talim shot by lizardman with a sleeping blow dart) but I don't need your protection."

"Are you sure boy, have you seen how those lady friends of yours were watching in the shower while being a bishonen."

"I not a bishonen gramps, wait they been secretly watching me bathe and how did you find out about that!"

"I… have my ways but enough about that, shut up take this grey-reaver boxer."

"I'll hate to ask but what are they for."

"When your manwhore scent is at its peak this boxer will neutralize it, preventing you on getting raped by women in a 1 mile radius."

"Okay but I have more questions….what? Where he go?"

(Insert power ranger song)

"Olcadan go!!!!! Ka-Kaw!!"

Chapter end

Review or Talim will force you to watch yaoi (except if your into that in that case Cassandra has a yuri collection)

"For the last time I am not a lesbian!!!"

"Say that to Angol-Fear."

"No don't tell her I am in here!!"

"Cassandra!!!" Angol-Fear appear in the stage

"eeeeeppppp"


End file.
